Rachel Berry Star
by hideousbeauty
Summary: A teen's way of dealing with homosexuality and being an outcast. Suicide and cutting- though not explicit. Character death.One shot.


_I do not own Glee, and even got this idea from another story… R&R._

She had no problem with gay people. Being raised in the household she was, and having the friends that she did, she has always firmly believed that people fell in love with a person- no with a person's gender. But even after accepting the fact that she was possibly, and most likely, what people would label as homosexual- she couldn't help but appreciate the ironic humor that followed the realization that the girl that helped her realize this was none other than one Quinn Fabray, head cheerleader and another strong voice and dancer in glee club.

She had been through relationships during high school already, and after a few failed attempts, she had silently decided amongst herself to simply wait until after her career on Broadway had kicked off and gotten on a good level before even debating trying to start another relationship. By that time, all of the people that she had previously had any sort of feelings for would be far out of her life. But now with her feelings for Quinn coming up to the surface, she knew someone was going to find out eventually and it would either cause trouble or simply embarrass her.

The cheerleader was all brief smiles, fleeting touches, and insults, things that could barely be construed to be friendly, much less of something that could be more romantic in nature. Quinn was straight and, in love with him or not, was currently in a relationship with Finn Hudson. Painfully beautiful, the blonder would probably even be mortified by the fact that the diva had the nerve to have brought up homosexuality to her, not even mentioning leaving her ticket to prom queen the next year.

She decided that she wouldn't try to just hide her sexuality now, as much as she just wouldn't bring it up or go into deep conversations if someone were to comment on anything of the sort. When Puck asked her out a few days later, she decided to at least give him a fair chance and said yes hesitantly.

Being with Puck had only made her choice more clear when he had tried to kiss her and she had jumped so eagerly at it, to get the images of Quinn out of her head, and found herself daydreaming of Quinn during the ten seconds it took for her to remember that it was Puck.

She was already an outcast at McKinley, even really in the glee club, who only liked her because she was the strongest vocals that they had- which was slowly disappearing anyway as new voices and faces began to slowly come into the club. Telling the school no that she was gay, would only have made her more of an outcast, even among the only people she could at least pretend were her friends. She decided instead to simply blend into the background.

A few weeks later, Mercedes came in with Tina to hold an emergency club meeting about something they were concerned with.

They were deadly serious as they began to explain that gay teens were statistically more likely to commit suicide than their straight counterparts, and that they were worried about Kurt due to the intense bullying he faced earlier and had been brave enough to come back and face. When they laid out a plan which detailed ways in which the Gleeks could go out of their way to make sure Kurt was doing okay, not one single objection was raised. Everyone agreed to say something every day to him, just to check up.

The coming weeks were absolute misery. She stood by and watched as every single Glee Club member went above and beyond to make sure that Kurt was safe and that he knew he was loved. She knew that it probably made her look like a bitter, jealous, needy bitch who couldn't handle someone else having the spotlight, but she couldn't help the fact that she hated how much support Kurt got. It wasn't that she begrudged him the support and attention itself, per say, it was more the fact that everyone in Glee (but especially her) assumed that he was the only one out there who needed it.

She contemplated the idea of pouring her heart out to everyone about what her life was really like, the constant training as a child that took away any possibility for friendship then, the constant looks people thought she didn't see,the slushies getting worse everyday, the constant torture from even the girl she was now in love with because then they might start to rally around her like they did with him. It was a sound idea, in theory, but she just...she couldn't quite bring herself to expose that much of herself, especially not in a quest for attention. She was worried that it might just come off as her trying to drag the spotlight onto herself and capitalize off of the less-than-ideal aspects of her life. She had personally always detested people who used personal tragedy as a means to gain sympathy and attention, and she was determined to never be like that.

Still, though, the idea was tempting. It was obvious that nobody was ever going to figure it out otherwise. The point was that nobody had ever cared enough to ask, and so she was left to her own devices. It might not have been her brightest plan, but deciding to see if anyone would notice her hurting was the best that she could come up with. She just wanted someone- one person, even- to care enough to ask if she was okay- and even her dads weren't in- tune to their teenage daughter's feelings, even less so than some of the people here at school if anything. She figured it wasn't entirely unreasonable- if the Gleeks cared about her even a fraction of how much they did for Kurt, she was sure it wouldn't take long for them to notice.

She started out small, not smiling as much and not really laughing a whole lot anymore. It wasn't exactly hard- the smiles and laughter had been forced anyways, so she just stopped trying. She just wanted to see if anybody cared enough to notice, and whether anyone would say anything to her. Even if it was something tiny, just someone taking a second or two to ask if everything was all right, it would have been enough. She didn't need to be the center of attention, and she didn't need to have people throwing rallies in support of her, but something to hang onto, to remind herself that she mattered, would have been nice.

She knew that it might come off as a desperate ploy for attention, and in a way it was...but it wasn't really about that. Well, it was, but...god. It was so hard to articulate why she would ever contemplate such a stupid idea. She supposed what it came down to was seeing if she really mattered. Because people who mattered? They had someone that would ask the hard questions if they needed to be asked, and she just wanted to see if anyone was willing to step up and be that person for her.

She hadn't had very high hopes when she made the decision to go through with her plan, but it still stung when nobody said a word. She kept trying for a couple weeks, but nobody seemed to notice, and after a while she stopped feeling hurt and just felt sad instead. She hated that she was so trapped in her facade of perfection and independence, and she hated her own weakness and dependence on what other people thought of her.

From there, a slow downward spiral began. When it became clear that nobody was going to say anything, she decided it was time to try something else. It had started small, just a few little marks on her ribcage, and she had waited to see if anyone would ask why she was just the tiniest bit stiff when they danced in Glee. When nobody noticed, a series of larger marks had appeared, spreading to include her upper thighs. Still, nobody noticed, or if they did they certainly didn't do anything about it. It might have been her own fault, because she was just so used to pretending that things were fine, but the fact that nobody noticed hurt more than the marks themselves.

She knew that she was playing into so many cliches it was pathetic, but she couldn't seem to make herself stop. And anyways, it was better at least to have some hope that if she kept trying, maybe someone would eventually notice.

Five months later, she had countless hidden scars but was still painfully alone. Every time she walked into Glee, she was faced with Quinn and at least one other person checking on Kurt and going out of their way to make sure he was okay. Every now and then, the blonde's gaze would fall on her, but the cheerleader seemed not to even see that she was there anymore, much less that she was desperately looking for someone to rescue her from herself.

After another month, she couldn't help but start thinking that maybe it was hopeless. Nobody had cared so far, and it was already like she wasn't really there. Maybe if she was actually gone, they could find someone who was more than just a warm body to keep on the dance floor.

She thought about her decision for a long time, maybe out of some last desperate hope that someone might catch on and stop her, but when an additional two months had passed she ran out of reasons to put it off. Her dads were gone to visit her grandparents the night she finally found herself without any excuses left. There was certainly no shortage of pills and alcohol, and she wondered briefly what her parents would do when they found out. Not pausing to really think about it, she grabbed what she need before heading to her room.

She sat at her desk, pulling a crisp envelope out of the drawer. She had looked at the letter as a chance to finally say everything she had been unable to while she was alive, and it had been pathetic to see on paper just how petrified she had been of using her voice for anything other than singing what seemed like pointless songs for pointless dreams. Still, she felt she owed it to herself to take her last opportunity to break the silence, even if she wasn't going to be around to see the results.

After making sure the envelope was clearly visible on her desk, she took a handful of sleeping pills, washing each one down with a swallow of vodka. She had fucked up a lot of things in her life, and she wasn't going to let this be one more thing she failed at.

As she laid down on her bed, she tried to focus on her breathing- the steady in and out was soothing, and she soon felt herself drifting, half awake and half asleep. As she felt sleep poking at the edges of her mind, she wondered idly how long it would take for someone (anyone) to get worried enough to check on her. Her last thought before she slipped into unconsciousness was that it was ironic how her death would be silent when originally she was nothing of the sort, yet fitting as to how she became silenced by certain events.

She would probably have laughed, had she known it would be Quinn who would finally grow concerned enough to check on her. She would have laughed even more when she found out that the blonde was only two days too late.

It might have pained her, to see how broken everyone in Glee Club was after they learned her secrets.

To see Quinn sitting on the floor, knees pulled up to her chest and her arms wrapped around herself as she cried. To see Puck, sitting in a chair staring into space, seemingly unable to do anything, but clench his fists in an attempt to keep the tears from falling. To see Finn, standing awkwardly above Quinn as he tried to figure out what was the proper thing to do when your ex-girlfriend had killed herself because she was in love with your current girlfriend, who was sobbing on the floor. To see Brittany, Santana, Tina, Mercedes, and everyone else crying and holding each other to try to provide some semblance of comfort. But most of all, perhaps, it might have pained her to see Kurt sitting there, white as a sheet, silent tears running down his cheeks as he silently mouthed "why?" over and over.

There might have been some small feeling of relief at seeing them realize, finally, that she had needed them desperately. Mostly, though, she would probably have been sad to see them so lost and broken.

In fact knowing Rachel, she probably would have taken it all back if she could have. Sure, they weren't there when she was breaking and finally broke down… But it wasn't like Rachel to care. She would smile and try to make them smile with her- even if inside she was dying slowly and painfully.


End file.
